Training Session #31- July 9: To Feel What I Feel (Video)
In 2013 I was diagnosed with sarcoidosis, an autoimmune disorder that chewed a hole in my cerebellum, atrophied various muscles, impaired my vision, balance, coordination and consequently stole my ability to run. I have dedicated the summer of 2018 to regaining my strength, coordination, balance, and relearning how to run. I am participating in a 5k run on September 23rd in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. This is my training journal. This is my attempt to grow physically strong again.
Write on. Fight on.
The previous training sessions can be found here, under “Fight on- Summer Training Log”
6:30 am to 7:35 am
Outdoor- 71 degrees
No hurry. No pause.
1 hour and 5 minutes of walking/jogging intervals. Including:
- 80 push-ups
- 80 squats
- A continuous quarter mile jog
Quote I’m Thinking About Today:
“I want you to feel what I felt.” ~ Tim O’Brien, The Things They Carried ( My favorite novel)
Accomplishment & Reflection:
Today I recorded myself conducting a balancing exercise.
One reason why I train early in the morning is to skirt the eyes of others (Which is ironic because when training concludes, I journal about my experiences for everyone to read).
Anyway, in what now seems to be a former life, I was once an athlete. I defined myself by the games I played. I was never afraid of anything physical. I ran, jumped, climb, swam, rode, and danced with ease.
But that was then.
Sometimes watching someone run, ride a bike, ascend a flight of stairs or do the Cha Cha Slide is hard and frustrating and even sad for me. Doing physical things were once so automatic, now those tasks often fuel fear and anxiety.
This training odyssey encapsulates a lot of things for me: Conquering fear, feeling strong again, loosing weight, repairing confidence, reteaching my brain, believing in myself more than my illness and proving that with discipline and resolve I can triumph over my illness.
Below is a video of me conducting a balancing exercise during today’s training session. The exercise in theory is simple:
With one leg, step over the white line while the other leg remains planted on the ground. Once over the white line, return the leg back across the white line so that both legs are parallel with each other, toeing the white line.
This exercise was, and remains, difficult for me to do.
Understand–this video was not easy for me to share.
The movements in the video were not embellished or exaggerated. And I was not drunk. Simple, subtle movements are often the most difficult (and most embarrassing) to do.
But I know that for me to heal I have to fearlessly show you who I am now and what I’m training to be. I have to be open, authentic, and unguarded.
Sharing this video, like sharing my training sessions, is another way for me to share a chapter my story with you. To let you see what I see. To let you feel what I feel.
From The Previous Training Session-July 7: Goals are like Trashcans
I started training with the big goal of jogging a 5k in September.
For me and my body, 3.1 miles seems like an unachievable distance. But today my goal wasn’t to jog 3.1 miles. My goal was to jog from one trash can to next to the next until I jogged an entire block.
It was not glamorous. (And some trashcans were pretty ripe this morning). But jogging from trashcan to trashcan to trashcan made achieving the ultimate goal, jogging 3.1 miles, feel a bit more achievable.
From The Previous Training Session-July 5:
It’s hot. New Jersey ( along with other eastern and central states) are embroiled in a heat wave.
I stood in the doorway divided. The morning heat pressing on my front and the cool air from the air conditioner softly curling across my back.
I wanted to train but why did it have to be so damn hot? And so I found myself in the simplest human conflict: What I want vs. what the world was giving me.