In 2013 I was diagnosed with sarcoidosis, an autoimmune disorder that chewed a hole in my cerebellum, atrophied various muscles, impaired my vision, balance, coordination and consequently stole my confidence and my ability to run. I have dedicated the summer of 2018 to regaining my strength, coordination, balance, and relearning how to run. I am participating in a 5k run on September 23rd in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. This is my training journal.
This is my attempt to grow physically and mentally strong again.
Write on. Fight on.
The previous training sessions can be found here, under “Fight on- Summer Training Log”
6:20 am- 7:05 am
Outdoor – 70 degrees
No hurry. No pause.
45 minutes of walking/jogging intervals- 2.2 miles
Jogging the distance between 3 suburban street lights posts during the run x 3 (a new suburban street light post distance record) and finishing the run with a .25 mile jog.
Quote I’m Thinking About Today:
“In any case you mustn’t confuse a single failure with a final defeat.” F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender is the Night
Are you your own worst enemy?
Do you struggle to get out you own way?
Today I did, very literally. During training I kept kicking myself while I jogging. ‘
Below is a picture of my right ankle. (It’s not the prettiest ankle so please reserve all judgments.)
Notice on the medial malleolus (aka the bony knob that sticks out the side of your ankle) there is an open cut and the skin is irritated around the cut. This is where I kept kicking myself. Also, to the left of the cut is a four inch scar from reconstructive ankle surgery I had in 2013. And 5 years post-surgery, the skin around the scar is still sensitive which made the kicking a little more enjoyable.
So why when jogging today did my leg left foot keep kicking my right ankle?
I don’t know. I didn’t want this to keep happening. I didn’t repeatedly kick myself just so I would have something to write about today.
My logical explanation is that my brain damage affected the left side of my body more than my right, causing my left limbs to sometimes act infantile and do what they want.
I tried slowing down my pace. Speeding up. Pushing my left stride away from my body. Nothing worked. I couldn’t stop kicking myself.
It may sound weird but I hope you can relate.
Do you struggle to get out of your own way? Do you often beat yourself up over your actions? Over things that you can’t control? Do you destructively meddle in your own life and wound yourself physically, emotionally?
Training has taught me that the person inside is often our greatest enemy. And too easily we hand over our power to the critic stationed in our brain.
Overcoming yourself is a matter of love. Of simply loving yourself more. Not in a destructive, narcissistic way. But loving yourself the way you love your imperfect children or spouse. Despite their imperfections, their wounds and flaws, you still look at them with soft eyes and say, “I love you.”
Do you look at yourself the same way? Maybe you should. Maybe you’ll realize that kicking yourself is simply another imperfection in a life littered with imperfections.
And maybe it’s our imperfections, not our perfections, that make our story worth sharing.
Excerpt From The Previous Training Session- July 17: Breaking the “I can’t” Habit
Growing up, I remember my father saying how much he hated the phrase, “I can’t.” Mostly, because my brothers and I said it all the time.
I can’t do the dishes.
I can’t make my bed.
I can’t do my homework.
My father would say if he had a dollar for all the times he heard someone say “I can’t” he’d be a rich man by now.