Hello! My name is Sean Carr and I believe in miracles. I believe in miracles because–well– I somehow scored a prom date. This fact alone is enough to baffle even the likes of Stephen Hawking, Neil Degrasse Tyson or the brilliantly bow-tied Bill Nye.
Seriously, I’m a dork. I’m definitely not the Valedictorian of the class. I’m not the captain of any varsity team. I’ve never been the lead in the school’s musical. I’m just me– too skinny, too tall, and always fresh outta luck.
The tall, muscled, finely tanned, squared jawed, heart breaking hunks on Teen Wolf bare not even the slightest resemblance of me (See Exhibit A).
Prom season is a difficult time for nerds. The very idea of dressing in a bulky, itchy tuxedo and dancing with… (Gulp)… Girls… sends us scampering to our parent’s basements. Our safe havens where we dilute our social fears wasting hours upon hours playing Call of Duty.
Would I consider missing out on one of the penultimate high school events? One that has been mythologized by Hollywood as the most memorable night of your life?
In fact, I refuse to spend another night playing video games. I may be a nerd but I’m going to Prom damnit! And I’m going with a date. And it’s going to be especially awkward for the both of us.
So before we start fumbling over boutineers and forcing smiles I want to warn my date why going to prom, with a nerd like me, may be the most awkward night of your life…
1.I Have No Sense of Style
A sweatshirt, some track pants, and red converse sneakers. That’s my go to outfit. I actually own nothing else other than those three articles of clothing. Maybe once and a while I’ll wear some jeans to look formal but I tend to stay casual about it 99% of the time. Even though formal attire is supposed to make you look sharp and debonair, I still find a way to look absolutely hideous. My fragile frame makes sure everything is either too tight or too loose. There is no in between.
2.I’m Not Arm Candy
As I mentioned before, I don’t know how to look good and dress up for such an occasion like Prom. I look like a flag pole draped in a suit coat.
3.I’m Too Tall For Photos
I can assure you that in every picture the top of my head will be cut off. A step stool or a ladder (that matches your shoes of course) may be required.
4.I’ll Most Likely Forget To Pick You Up
Don’t take it personally but I’m just forgetful. I forget my keys, wallet and phone all the time, so there’s a good chance I may forget about Prom altogether. You may want to have a Plan B.
5.I Can’t Afford To Buy Two Prom Tickets
I do have a job however, I make under minimum wage where I work because I “get tipped” for my services. Once I do get tipped, I’ll end up buying myself a full course meal from Taco Bell that same day. Then *poof* just like, that I’m broke again.
6.I’m Constantly Eating
Fries before guys am I right ladies? In fact, there is never a time when I’m not starving. In fact, I’m actually eating right now as I type this article. My current setup? Bowls of popcorn surround my laptop and I have to push Chocolate Hersey’s Kiss wrappers aside to reach the “O” key.
7.I Can’t Dance At All
I honestly cannot dance. If you’re looking for someone with the smoothest of slides, the most suave of steps, or the grooviest hips, then you better find a new dance partner. I’ll be spending my time in the bathroom searching YouTube for videos on “how to impress your crush on the dance floor” all evening.
8. I Have the Attention Span of a Puppy
Prom will be like a real life “Where’s Waldo” game. A game that you will never win. With so many cool things to see–the bouncing strobe lights, the buffet tables, heck, even the fancy little mints in the bathroom will be wildly distracting.With so many things to see in so little time, you may think about getting me a leash.
Fortunately for me, my date just so happens to be my best friend.
We’ve braved high school together and Prom is another check on the list of teenage calamities we have endured together.